On Forgiveness: when all that you've done was

Last week (Palm Sunday), as I was on my way up the Parish Hall to setup the room for the Catechism Seminar, I saw my friend who is in front of the Parish Office. She told me that she's waiting for her turn for confession. So I decided to have my confession as well since it's been a month since I had it.

After I had my confession, the priest gave me this penance: Have 2 minutes of silence. So I said to myself, "Ok! It's just fine with me because I love silence and to let my mind reflect and stay silent with God." (I said this not to complain for the lengthy prayers which other priests give. Whatever the priest gives me as his penance, it's fine because that is what God wants as a form of reparation to my sins). Then I left and went on my way to setup the room.

While the seminar was on going, I was about to go out the room in order to get something when I saw someone outside about to come in. And as he opened the door, I saw M---------: the person who put my fiancee to shame in front of his choir because of something he thought was right.

Back story:
My fiancee joined a parish choir while I was still back at home. This choir was handled by M---------. At first, he was ok and I believed then that he would ask my fiancee for help in terms of choral matters and vocal training because we were taught by our conductors who were former members of the Philippine Madrigal Singers, and also I taught her some of the things I've learned from different choirs, especially from the UP Singing Ambassadors.

But came that dreadful day. It was about the song which we perfectly knew well. M------ was teaching the song with the wrong rhythmic pattern. My fiancee corrected him saying that this is not the correct rhythm and she sang the correct one. Then he scolded her in front of that choir telling her that that was what the composer taught him and he taught it to him PERSONALLY.

That night, she called me and told me about what happened. I researched for the score and showed it to her and she was correct. Then she decided to leave that choir because she know that she was correct.

(Note that this was not the first time it happened. The event I shared was the second time.)

With that story, it made a mark on me and told myself that he's stupid and does not know what he's teaching. And when I came here and listened to his choir, I said to her, "Good thing you left. My choir back at home is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy better than him." Also, I found out from her that he does not use choral scores or sheet music whenever he teaches.  And I was not surprised...

Yes, I'm a choral conductor as well as I teach what I've been taught by my conductors for 11 years.

On to the main story...
So as he entered the room, I gave him the look that says "I hate you more than ever! I hate you more than you'll ever know! Even if my fiancee, out of her humbleness, asked for your forgiveness and you forgave her, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU UNTIL YOU SAY SORRY TO HER IN FRONT OF ME!!!!! BINASTOS MO SYA NA AKO AT YUNG MGA DATING MIYEMBRO NG PHILIPPINE MADRIGAL SINGERS ANG NAGTURO NG TAMA!!!" (I also gave this look to him when I went to my friend's house only to find out that he is her roommate)

I tried to keep calm and be composed because I don't want to make a scene there.

We went into prayer before we closed this seminar. And as we were praying, a voice came to me and said clearly these words...

Forgive.

I know it was God's voice talking to me and I know that it was about him because I've been asking for forgiveness because I still find it hard to forgive him after what he did. So I asked why. He didn't reply...

yet...

God gave me his response when I went inside a church. I was alone there and it was perfect.

And I kept silent.

Then I saw a vision of myself talking to Jesus and this was what happened.

Jesus: Forgive him.

Me: How am I supposed to forgive him? You knew for sure what happened to my fiancee and why, until now, I haven't forgiven him.

Jesus: Yes I know. But didn't you realize that I went through what you're going through? I've been telling them that I AM, but they still told me that I am not the Messiah which was promised to them by My Father. I've been pointing to them in scripture where I AM, but they nailed me to the cross and treated me like a thief and a sinful man.

At that point, I recalled everything that I've learned during the EWTN Bible Study Series by Jeff Cavins. Here are some of them:

• "A prophet like me will the LORD, your God, raise up for you from among your own kindred; that is the one to whom you shall listen. This is exactly what you requested of the LORD, your God, at Horeb on the day of the assembly, when you said, “Let me not again hear the voice of the LORD, my God, nor see this great fire any more, or I will die.” And the LORD said to me, What they have said is good. I will raise up for them a prophet like you from among their kindred, and will put my words into the mouth of the prophet; the prophet shall tell them all that I command." Deut. 18:15-18
• "The word of the LORD came to me: Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds* of Israel. Prophesy and say to them: To the shepherds, thus says the Lord GOD: Woe to the shepherds of Israel who have been pasturing themselves! Should not shepherds pasture the flock? You consumed milk, wore wool, and slaughtered fatlings, but the flock you did not pasture. You did not strengthen the weak nor heal the sick nor bind up the injured. You did not bring back the stray or seek the lost but ruled them harshly and brutally. So they were scattered for lack of a shepherd, and became food for all the wild beasts. They were scatteredd and wandered over all the mountains and high hills; over the entire surface of the earth my sheep were scattered. No one looked after them or searched for them.
  
  For thus says the Lord GOD: Look! I myself will search for my sheep and examine them. As a shepherd examines his flock while he himself is among his scattered sheep, so will I examine my sheep. I will deliver them from every place where they were scattered on the day of dark clouds." Ezekiel 34:1-6, 11-12
• "But a shoot shall sprout from the stump of Jesse,
  and from his roots a bud shall blossom.
  The spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him:
  a spirit of wisdom and of understanding,
  A spirit of counsel and of strength,
  a spirit of knowledge and of fear of the LORD,
  and his delight shall be the fear of the LORD.
  Not by appearance shall he judge,
  nor by hearsay shall he decide,
  But he shall judge the poor with justice,
  and decide fairly for the land’s afflicted.
  He shall strike the ruthless with the rod of his mouth,
  and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked.
  Justice shall be the band around his waist,
  and faithfulness a belt upon his hips." Isaiah 11:1-5
• "Again the LORD spoke to Ahaz: Ask for a sign from the LORD, your God; let it be deep as Sheol, or high as the sky! But Ahaz answered, “I will not ask! I will not tempt the LORD!” Then he said: Listen, house of David! Is it not enough that you weary human beings? Must you also weary my God? Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign; the young woman, pregnant and about to bear a son, shall name him Emmanuel. Curds and honey he will eat so that he may learn to reject evil and choose good; for before the child learns to reject evil and choose good, the land of those two kings whom you dread shall be deserted.
  
  The LORD shall bring upon you and your people and your father’s house such days as have not come since Ephraim seceded from Judah (the king of Assyria)." isaiah 7: 10-17

At that point, I felt nothing. I was stripped down to my core and seemed that my ranting was nothing to what he encountered.

I was ashamed and felt that I was nothing...

Until I watched this video during the 7 Last Words before the Solemnity of the Death of Jesus Christ.


 I was moved and didn't know what to do or say. He was right. Jesus didn't have to wait for them to say sorry that they didn't recognize Him in Scriptures. He did it because He loves them and that they belong to Him, although they do not know Him ("For the sake of Jacob, my servant, of Israel, my chosen one, I have called you by your name, giving you a title, though you knew me not." Isaiah 45:4). Thus one of the last words of Jesus which is "Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23: 34) gave a new meaning to the word "Forgiveness".

If you ask me now, I really do not know. Though I'm willing to forgive him, but it will take time for me to heal the wounds of what he did to her. But I'm almost there... I'm almost there...