instead of climbing that shining Mount of Joy
which is the seat and first cause of man’s bliss?
– Virgil (Canto I, verses 74-76)
I have a wound in my left leg, and it was a long one. I forgot how I got it lately. Maybe I got it somewhere where it scratched my leg.
Although the wound is healed now, there are times that I really wanted to scratch it.
That was until last night when I just can’t take it anymore. I scratched it really hard and scratched it badly, until…
Oops!
Blood came flowing out because the healed cover was removed.
Thus, instead of healing it completely by leaving it and not minding it, I created another wound which will take many days before it will heal again.
In life, we are sometimes like this. Whenever we say to ourselves, “I will stop my drinking”, or “I will never engage in premarital sex again”, or “I will control my spending so that I can save money for my marriage”, there are times that we go back to where we were before: our drinking habits, sexual escapades or spending spree.
I came to a point that I experienced this, and it was a completely bad one.
Those of you who read my blogs know that I am in a relationship at this time. However, there is this someone in my past that I haven’t got through with for a very loooooooooooooooooooong time (as in literally long time).
Yes, this is the real me, and quoting from the words of my friend whom I told every single event in my life, “You are living a double life”.
It also came to a point that I told myself that I will focus all of my energies to my girlfriend, and totally forget that girl in my past. I went outside the country to do my “recollection”, my process of letting her go. I was living a good life with my beloved and focusing my energies to her alone.
But then did I find out that I was still attached to the other girl. I noticed that I continuously “prayed” that we will see each other again. Maybe it is because of the events and the circumstances that are going on that time.
And as I continued on with my so-called “double life”, I noticed that my heart was with her and not with my girlfriend whom God had sent to me. After many talks with my friends (luckily some of them are psychologists), I came to a realization that what was lacking in me is this: commitment. It was then that I recalled one of the messages in Talk 4 of our Christian Life Program in Singles for Christ: “Repentance is not a feeling but a commitment to change your life.”
Thus, on that blessed day of May 31, 2008, full of commitment and a firm decision to end this once and for all, I went to Angeles, Pampanga alone.
No one knew where I was that day except for my parents.
On my way there, many things were going through my mind. Will I see here there? What will happen to me there? But there was just one prayer that I prayed while on the way: “Father, if ever I did something wrong, lead me to what is right. All for Your glory and honor.”
Upon arriving there, I went to a chapel to where my heart led me. Later did I found out when I arrived home that the chapel was in front of the village which that girl was living.
I wept, honestly. Part of me was telling me to hold on to her, but part of me was telling me to let her go and give my all to my beloved. It was really hard for me to do this, but I felt God’s presence with me, speaking to me and embracing me. It was then that I took a big leap of faith, not knowing what will happen to me.
I did my earnest prayer and made my promise that once and for all I will turn away from everything that hinders me from loving my beloved fully and completely. I brought out from my bag pieces of torn paper which were concert posters. One of them was for her and the other was when we were together in a concert. I prayed and threw them in the garbage.
I planned on having my confession there, but there was no available priest. I planned to have a haircut, but I don’t know where to go because it was somehow dark then and I felt that they were already closed.
When I got home, I erased her in all of my contacts. The CDs that I used to have, I kept them in a place which I know for sure that I will never see it again. I threw away and destroyed EVERY EVIDENCE. Everything was a complete format of my life, of my point of view and my love.
I was never sorry or regretted every single thing I did.
I was happy and clean. Somehow, I wanted to jump and do crazy stuffs to show how happy I am. But most of all, I saw God smiling down on me and blessing me for what I did.
Friends, if you are encountering the same problem as I was, have a full and committed promise to God to turn away from what’s hindering you from living a fantastic life with God. Just like what I did when I asked for help from my “psychologist” friends, so can you do that if you feel that you are having a hard time alone.
Note: Illustration by Gustave Dore from "The Divine Comedy: Purgatorio"
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